b l o g o f p a r a g

I read that article over the weekend and didn't think it to be a particularly well written article.

The author had a particular point of view and brought on a lot of extraneous arguments that diverted from the real issue.

Having said that I don't really subscribe to the idea of calling these people "whiner" or "losers". These are real problems faced by these people on H4s.

Highly qualified people have made the mistake of getting on H4s and not being allowed to work. It is a personal decision they made but they weren't aware of the problems that might come with that decision.

Articles like these throw some light on these problems. They should be written in that vein - to shed light on teh life of an H4.

I would agree with you 100%. Not being based in US but visiting it often for long periods of time has made me adjust to all the problems talked about here and some more. If I start complaining about these issues, I might as well stay back in India.

I have also met many Indian families settled in US who keep complaining about US. They would spend hours telling you about their sad story and how they feel as out of place, second rung citizens. But the fact is, most of them don't have the resolve and courage to make that big change and go back to India. Enjoying all the material comforts of US and then shedding crocodile tears for the love of motherland is, as you rightly say, their personality.

Being so depressed after failing a single driving test....heeh heee heee....Such people should not be allowed to touch the car! :) Not for driving, but unstable mental health. :)))

I couldn't even finish the whole article the stories just repeat and repeat.. I dont accept the fact that all people who come on H4s are losers as they dont accept to sit at home and be the housewife and do something worthwhile like working for a NGO, working on cash (it mite not be the best idea but still you are earning your independence, go to a school).. I do know more then a couple of females right here who are doing this and their husbands are supporting them the added incentive is more money without any taxes after working and meeting with so many people who got married on a week’s notice and the girl had to accept it becoz of her parents or whatever.. I genuinely feel bad for them as they don’t have a choice. But girls who get married even after knowing the consequnces its just not acceptable. The whole point is in india being in USA (or out of the country) is a status symbol in most communities. So when they first get into it the whole deal is, dang I am going to USA. That’s it the article says that usa is a land of opportunites no before that these people are looking at marriage as that opportunity to cross the boundary. For women who are genuinely in trouble there are organizations out there who are trying to help them. These women are opressed not becoz they are in usa but becoz their husbands are assholes and society has embibed it on there minds that they have to stay in the marriage no matter what. These women would be going through the same situation even if they would have had been in India. Rediff had an article about a the other side of this story where they had real sad stories of women whose husband’s were treating them like crap. Women who got married came here and found out that the husband already has a wife/mistress here all kind of weirdness. I strikingly remember the story of this one woman who was working kind of independent. She was getting beaten up daily by her husband. Mentally and physically abused she was taken to Sakhi (the organization) by a friend. Since she was not dependent they arranged her to meet a lawyer and basically to help her get a divorce. But she never met the lawyer neither come back to them. This is the problem that really needs to be addressed. After all as Vinayak said they don’t have the courage to go back leaving the materialistic pleasures behind. One of my friend says that in a marriage the man is the head and the woman is the neck. So no matter what happens the neck makes sure that the head is turning in the direction it wants it to turn 

Whoaa!!Sujit that itself was a post!!

A really interesting debate on the article. However it is even more interesting to find the such interesting comments. Well, believe me , I am not a feminist, but it really takes some extra effort to understand what the H4 or the F4 dependants(predominantly females)undergo when they come to the U.S of A.
The article really throws light on lot of issues without dealing with a single one efficiently , but it also gives us the gist of the emotional disturbance it causes. I can relate to the incidents described in the article. Though at times they sound really silly they actually are the manifestations of the depression, lonliness, low self-esteem and the loss of self confidence which most of them undergo. However this is just one of the phases of adjustment and most of them learn to adjust and get accomodated to the situations.
Believe me it sounds silly but it is true.

A fresh female perspective. In college my friends always used to say I am a MCP but now i think otherwise but may be i am still continuing with the streak.. I guess getting adjusted is a relative term which differs from person to person.. but still its hard to belive that accepting and adjusting to a situation which is not going to change doesnot make much sense.. its like saying that i am pounded into accepting submission.. "However this is just one of the phases of adjustment and most of them learn to adjust and get accomodated to the situations.".. i guess people say that marriage is all about accomodations, adjustments, sacrifices and all that.. but just saying that oh i feel sorry for myself and my situation is not going to help in anyways.. nobody is saying go get a divorce but try to do something about these shortcomings.. saying thigs like i failed my driving test becoz i am used to right hand driving.. so i guess in these cases you can blame youeself, your husband or ummmm henry ford.. Homer Simpsons once said that we can blame ourselves or blame the other guy the easy way out is to blame the other person.. anywho i guess it is a very touchy subject but its hard for me to understand how anybody can blame somebody else for there woes..

Parag,
People with your attitude make me feel that it is better to stay in the US and face whatever you face here than to come back to India.At least we can rest feeling that it is not your kin who stabs you.I was on H4 for one and a half years and believe me, it was bad.I have worked voluntarily for 3 companies before I accepted an offer from the better of the three.I didn't marry my husband because I wanted to come abroad.I married him because my parents thought that I could have a good married life.I had absolutely no idea how an H4 could ruin my life.I don't have a drivers licence and I haven't been able to go for MS/MBA simply because I can't afford it.But I refuse to believe that I am inferior to any one who is employed in India,has a drivers license or has an MS/MBA.I have cried for days together but that has only made me more and more determined.The more I read these posts and the more I go to India and see the atitude of family and friends, the more I feel, it's worth staying away from everyone even if it means struggling every day of your life.
I seriously hope you don't get married if you plan to slap your spouse at the slightest sign of weakness.

Simi: Thanks for your comment. I couldn't understand what you meant to say in the first two lines. If being on H4 visa ruined your life, you should thought about it/learnt about it before getting married. The application for H4 visa, clearly says on top 'DEPENDENT'.

When you are making a big life-changing decision, you should not base it on just 'because my parents thought it was good for me'. Others were blaming life in US and H4 rules, but, you are also blaming your family for your misery.

Nobody is saying that you are inferior because you don't have a driver's license or a graduate degree. My point was that there is no use whining about it. Try to do something to change the situation or learn to enjoy your life as a 'dependent' on your husband. Why don't you have a driver's license? How difficult is it to get one? Reading a manual and taking the tests is not really rocket science.

BTW, I am already married and I don't have to slap her because she is strong and resourceful. If she ever gets into this kind of wallowing in self-pity, I won't hesitate to slap her out of her stupor.

very interesting viewpoints. i have been on an H4 for the past year and a half and definitely admit that i didn't realise what i was getting myself into as a 'dependent'. But like some people here have pointed out, there's no point in complaining about the situation. there are things you can do. definitely get a drivers' license. i too flunked my first test but got it in the second try a week later ( i too had been driving in india for over 4 years prior to this!). Then i decided to volunteer at a local tv station and also at an indian NGO with a chapter in my city (phoenix). it;s the best thing i did as i formed my own circle of friends and didnt just interact with my husband's colleagues and friends here. Also, if university is expensive, take up interesting courses at the local community college, which is relatively reasonable. it keeps your brain occupied till you decide what to do in the long term. i am now doing a master's program at the state univ and enjoying being in school once again. just remember to think positive and do something. believe me, it's easy to sit at home and crib and think you deserved better. once you start going out, meeting new people and making new connections, life will get better!

It is so easy to criticize someone for their actions and be indifferent-(an art in which indians excell!!!) but so diffcult to understand the other persons viewpoint.
Nobody will realize what these ppl are complaining of unless it happens to you or someone u know(Wife,sister!!)....
And "CHANGE" is something easier said than done!!So if u cant appreciate someone else's viewpoint stop critising it!!
You dont even know an iota of what the other person is talking abt beacuse that it didnt happen to you.
Wish we Indians could unitedly stand for each others cause and make life better for all of us here and everywhere instead of just critisizing!!!

I spent a few years in the USA, teaching at a major university as well as working as a consultant. I had a lot of Asian American students especially Indians. As far as my experience, Indians do quite well considering the many cultural gaps they have with Americans of European descent. I myself am from Germany, and compared to minority groups in my country, Indians and other Asian Americans are quite successful. I wouldn't doubt that they experience some form of discrimination, especially post 9-11, but they don't seem to be as severely discrminated against like Black Americans who are constantly harrassed. I would guess much of this malcontent with American life might be a product of the post 9-11 atmosphere in the US and even Canada, where people who are percieved to be Muslim and Middle Eastern are seen as a threat.