Blog of Parag

Out of office

One of my colleagues has this 'out of office' email message.

I am out of the office and will be back on Monday June 26. Because of the volume of email during my absence, I will be deleting all messages upon my return. If you are sending me an important email, please plan on resending it to me on June 26. Thanks,

Cracked me up on this bleak Monday morning.

Joke

Got this forwarded to me today...

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

This is funny, but factually incorrect. Alzheimer's affects short-term memory while old memories remain intact. People with Alzheimer's can't recognize their grown-up children, but recognize their childhood photos. They don't remember if they have taken a bath or their medication, but can recite poems learnt in school. Hopefully, these elders should have learnt the use of these things a long time ago and that won't be affected by Alzheimer's disease.

True Friendship: Forwarded email

It is not very often that something good arrives as a forwarded email. This one really made my day.

Click below to read it....

True Friendship

Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship:

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Remember......A good friend will help you move.....a REALLY good friend will help you move a body.......let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Overheard in NY

This website has become my latest addiction. I can't help take a peek whenever I have a few minutes to spare.

Tween girl #1: Aren't you gonna wash your hands?
Tween girl #2: I don't need to. I flush with my foot
Tween girl #1: Do you also wipe with your foot?

--Union Square Regal Cinemas ladies' room

Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses

Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses for February 13, 2006

10. "Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm"

9. "Wanted to get the Iraq mess off the front page"

8. "Not enough Jim Beam"

7. "Trying to stop the spread of bird flu"

6. "I love to shoot people"

5. "Guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter"

4. "I thought the guy was trying to go 'gay cowboy' on me" ***my favorite

3. "Excuse? I hit him, didn't I?"

2. "Until Democrats approve medicare reform, we have to make some
tough choices for the elderly"

1. "Made a bet with Gretzky's wife"

---

Here is what the other late night comedians had to say:

NBC's Jay Leno said: "When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney on the stretcher. No, the other guy!"

"When people found out he shot a lawyer his popularity is now at 92%"

"After he shot the guy, he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?' "

Jon Stewart tackled the Cheney topic on his Comedy Central show, saying Cheney's shooting made Whittington the first person shot by a sitting vice president since Alexander Hamilton. "Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."

Stop it, blasphemers!!!

There hasn't been much coverage of this in the US media, but, this fight has been going on since last September. A series of 12 cartoons were published in a Danish newspaper, Jyllands-Posten, that portray prophet Mohammad and then followed in a Norwegian paper. Everyone in the Islamic world wants the newspaper and the government of Denmark and Norway to issue an apology for disrespecting Islam. On the other side, the Danish newspaper said that 'Freedom of expression' allows the publication of those cartoons and there is no question of an apology as they haven't done anything wrong. I don't know if a fatwa (a la Salman Rushdie) has been issued but, I think it'll happen soon if it hasn't yet. The governments say that they are not responsible for what the newspapers publish, which is how it should be.

I always support 'freedom of expression'. If you don't like something, don't look at it. It is not as if the newspaper publishers are forcing people to look at those cartoons.

Check out the following link to read more about this issue and see all the cartoons...
Danish Imams Propose to End Cartoon Dispute | The Brussels Journal

This one here is just hilarious.

Posted by Parag at 03:18 PM | Comments (10)

Sky news, are you sure?

OK. Let's take this photo completely out of context.

Finally, Murdoch got it right.

Get a cheap date...

Looking for the love of your life? He/she may be walking in the next aisle. Make a run for him/her before someone else does.

A few months ago, Walmart stores in Germany started 'singles night' on Fridays 6 to 8 pm. People who are participating in it get to use a shopping cart with a red bow on it. The program was wildly successful and is being expanded to stores in Puerto Rico, England and South Korea. It will come to US stores in the future, too.

One nice thing about it is that even if the date doesn't work out, you can return it to the store, without a receipt.

Consultants

This series of Dilbert cartoons is so close to the real life.... especially the last one with consultant's advice...

Stories at the barbershop...

Went to get a haircut yesterday. This old man hacks my hair as if he is a butcher, but, he tells interesting stories. This is what he entertained me with yesterday...

We were talking about kids (this is what I talk about everywhere I go these days). He is 73 years old. Has 5 kids and 13 gradkids. About 3-4 years ago, he found out that he had fathered another son 50 years ago. He met a woman that he used to date 50 years ago at a reunion and she told him about this secret. She was pregnant when they broke up but didn't tell him about it. She went ahead to deliver a son. Her parents adopted her son. The funniest part was that this son grew up with what he thought as his older sister. When he was 25 years old, he was told that his older sister was actually his mother.

Don't know if this is a true story or not, but was quite enetertaining the way he told it.

Store wars

Check out the Grocery Store Wars | Join the Organic Rebellion

Thanks, Mahesh

Crawford, TX

What happens in Crawford, stays in Crawford.

Photo caption taken from yesterday's Jay Leno show.

Lovebirds at the funeral

Three Amigos in Rome - Newsweek Politics - MSNBC.com

Even highschool teens know not to do this at a funeral. These lovebirds were caught smooching while attending the Pope's funeral in Vatican along with hundreds of World leaders.

No. This is not doctored. It appeared in Newsweek. Check the link above.

John Bolton

John R. Bolton, President Bush's nominee for U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, ran out of his hair dye.

A living will

Robert Friedman of St. Petersburg Times writes a detailed advance directive dealing with end-of-life issues.

• In the event I lapse into a persistent vegetative state, I want medical authorities to resort to extraordinary means to prolong my hellish semiexistence. Fifteen years wouldn't be long enough for me.
• I want my wife and my parents to compound their misery by engaging in a bitter and protracted feud that depletes their emotions and their bank accounts.
• I want my wife to ruin the rest of her life by maintaining an interminable vigil at my bedside. I'd be really jealous if she waited less than a decade to start dating again or otherwise rebuilding a semblance of a normal life.
• I want my case to be turned into a circus by losers and crackpots from around the country who hope to bring meaning to their empty lives by investing the same transient emotion in me that they once reserved for Laci Peterson, Chandra Levy and that little girl who got stuck in a well.
• I want those crackpots to spread vicious lies about my wife.
• I want to be placed in a hospice where protesters can gather to bring further grief and disruption to the lives of dozens of dying patients and families whose stories are sadder than my own.
• I want the people who attach themselves to my case because of their deep devotion to the sanctity of life to make death threats against any judges, elected officials or health care professionals who disagree with them.
• I want the medical geniuses and philosopher kings who populate the Florida Legislature to ignore me for more than a decade and then turn my case into a forum for weeks of politically calculated bloviation.
• I want total strangers - oily politicians, maudlin news anchors, ersatz friars and all other hangers-on - to start calling me "Bobby," as if they had known me since childhood.
• I'm not insisting on this as part of my directive, but it would be nice if Congress passed a "Bobby's Law" that applied only to me and ignored the medical needs of tens of millions of other Americans without adequate health coverage.
• Even if the "Bobby's Law" idea doesn't work out, I want Congress - especially all those self-described conservatives who claim to believe in "less government and more freedom" - to trample on the decisions of doctors, judges and other experts who actually know something about my case. And I want members of Congress to launch into an extended debate that gives them another excuse to avoid pesky issues such as national security and the economy.
• In particular, I want House Majority Leader Tom DeLay to use my case as an opportunity to divert the country's attention from the mounting political and legal troubles stemming from his slimy misbehavior.
• And I want Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist to make a mockery of his Harvard medical degree by misrepresenting the details of my case in ways that might give a boost to his 2008 presidential campaign.
• I want Frist and the rest of the world to judge my medical condition on the basis of a snippet of dated and demeaning videotape that should have remained private.
• Because I think I would retain my sense of humor even in a persistent vegetative state, I'd want President Bush -- the same guy who publicly mocked Karla Faye Tucker when signing off on her death warrant as governor of Texas -- to claim he was intervening in my case because it is always best "to err on the side of life."
• I want the state Department of Children and Families to step in at the last moment to take responsibility for my well-being, because nothing bad could ever happen to anyone under DCF's care.
• And because Gov. Jeb Bush is the smartest and most righteous human being on the face of the Earth, I want any and all of the aforementioned directives to be disregarded if the governor happens to disagree with them. If he says he knows what's best for me, I won't be in any position to argue.

Happy Valentine's day

Sick of all the stupid, meaningless, commercialised, syrupy, slushy, gushy-mushy Valentine's day crap? Send an anti-valentine to someone for a change.

Bob Dylan's 'It Ain't me, Babe' is probably the best response if you wish to reject someone's 'Be Mine' request.

Go 'way from my window, Leave at your own chosen speed. I'm not the one you want, babe, I'm not the one you need. You say you're lookin' for someone Never weak but always strong, To protect you an' defend you Whether you are right or wrong, Someone to open each and every door, But it ain't me, babe, No, no, no, it ain't me, babe, It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Go lightly from the ledge, babe,
Go lightly on the ground.
I'm not the one you want, babe,
I will only let you down.
You say you're lookin' for someone
Who will promise never to part,
Someone to close his eyes for you,
Someone to close his heart,
Someone who will die for you an' more,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Go melt back into the night, babe,
Everything inside is made of stone.
There's nothing in here moving
An' anyway I'm not alone.
You say you're looking for someone
Who'll pick you up each time you fall,
To gather flowers constantly
An' to come each time you call,
A lover for your life an' nothing more,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

the best joke ever...

Now, this is the best bloody blonde joke I ever read. Couldn't stop laughing for hours.

Is that M or W???

Florida voting machine

I am sure everyone has seen this by now considering that I received this forward seven times in last couple of weeks. If you want to get the voting experience in Florida, check it out...

India IT bit on Conan O'Brian show

I had posted about this funny bit about NBC's IT support office in India from the Conan show. But, the link disappeared. Here is another link to the same video.

Amitabh for '04

This is hilarious! Check out Bill Clinton's message at the end when the credits get over. That is the best part.

Thanks, Mayuresh!

Sin is sick

Yahoo! News - Manila's Cardinal Sin Rushed to Hospital

I know it isn't nice to make fun of someone who is ill. But, am I the only one who saw humor in this headline?

Reminds of a magazine I used to read called 'Amrut'. It used to have these two features:
'Mu-ra-vi (Mudrarakshasacha vinod)', that listed humor created by typos.
'U-san-du (upsampadakachya dulakya)', that listed humor created by negligent subeditors who didn't proofread the copies before publishing.

Outsourced IT Helpdesk

A funny bit on Conan O'Brien about NBC's outsourced IT helpdesk.

Update: This link doesn't lead to the TV clip it originally showed.

Wrath of God

Check this out... If it is true, you know whose side the God is on!

Path of hurricanes through Florida.

Suggest a caption...

- Come on Whitney, enough of your singing, it is my snack time.

---

Recently, there was a report of Rabri and Laloo Yadav sitting through the National Anthem.

Hrithik is GAY???!!!???

via Patrix
Check out other cool stuff at vishalpatel.com

The most reckless, incosiderate drivers drive...

Volkswagen Jetta! According to Tom and Ray Magliozzi of Car Talk, a NPR show that is wildly funny and yet full of useful information.

I have been driving a Jetta since 1996 and haven't had any accident or even a speeding ticket while driving it. Does it say something about my good driving skills or is it my timid approach to driving a car that can be driven recklessly? I wonder why other cars move out of the way when I come up behind them...

I usually listen to this show every Saturday, don't know how I missed this particular show. Thanks for the link, Sujit!

Optimist

Definition of an optimist:   A pessimist without enough information.

Do not bleach and.....

This is really hilarious. Don't know if it is true or just an email joke but, it is worth your click below...

Phillips webdesign prize winner

Click on this link to see the website.

You will see a weird looking guy. Pass your mouse over his face a few times. Then, leave the pointer on his face and watch what happens!!

Via Pseudofreud.

Pissed off martyrs...

NYTimes Columnist Nicholas Kristof writes about Martyrs, Virgins and Grapes

We are repeatedly told that the Islamic martyrs fighting the holy jihad get paid hadsomely when they reach heaven.

Muslim martyrs will go to paradise and marry 72 black-eyed virgins.
...
al-Suyuti, wrote that sex in paradise is pretty much continual and so glorious that "were you to experience it in this world you would faint."

Historians, linguists and religious scholars are putting a big damper on this whole concept.

Koran says martyrs going to heaven will get "hur," and the word was taken by early commentators to mean "virgins," hence those 72 consorts. But in Aramaic, hur meant "white" and was commonly used to mean "white grapes."

Can't imagine what happens when a martyr, upon arriving in the paradise, is handed a bunch of 72 grapes instead of virgins. Thankfully, he has spent all his explosives on earth killing some innocent humans. Otherwise, the paradise won't exist for long.

Timepass

V and I amuse ourselves with this new timepass that V has found. Everytime you load the front page of Rediff.com, a new matrimonial ad (Rediff Matchmaker) gets loaded in the top-right corner. Click on it to read a detailed description. Some of them are absolute gems. Reminds me of the fun my cousin (who was of marrying age at the time) and I used to have with matrimonial ads in 'Rohini'.

Cheney-Edwards Debates

This is just hilarious! Taken from The New York Times

PLANNING for the 2004 vice presidential debate is already under way. In an attempt to level the playing field, Senator John Edwards's image will be digitally altered to make him 40 percent less "hot looking," and Vice President Dick Cheney will be on a five-second delay. Finally, each man has submitted a wish list of questions to ask the other during the high-stakes face-off.

Click on the link below for the list of questions...

Sneak Preview! The Cheney-Edwards Debate

July 11, 2004 By ANDY BOROWITZ

PLANNING for the 2004 vice presidential debate is already under way. In an attempt to level the playing field, Senator John Edwards's image will be digitally altered to make him 40 percent less "hot looking," and Vice President Dick Cheney will be on a five-second delay. Finally, each man has submitted a wish list of questions to ask the other during the high-stakes face-off.

QUESTIONS FOR DICK CHENEY

1. Former Senator Alfonse D'Amato has suggested President Bush dump you from the ticket. What's your response to him, in two words?

2. If Halliburton and the Carlyle Group both invited you to the movies on the same night, who would you go with?

3. Over the past four years, how many days would you say you spent above ground?

4. Describe in detail your favorite high-impact aerobics routine.

5. Didn't "Fahrenheit 9/11" totally rock?

6. Exactly when did you remove Kenneth Lay from your online buddy list?

7. If there really are no plans to reinstitute the draft, why did you just request a sixth deferment?

8. Is it true that you wept during Darth Vader's death scene?

9. If anything happened to you while serving a second term, would George Bush be fit to be president?

10. Here's something I've always wondered: Does the other side of your mouth work?

QUESTIONS FOR JOHN EDWARDS

1. Who made the final out in the 1954 World Series?

2.What do you have that Dick Gephardt doesn't have, besides eyebrows?

3. Agree/disagree with the following statement: "Litigators are opportunistic leeches who are sucking the lifeblood from our nation's economy."

4. On average, how many times a day do you check yourself out in shiny surfaces?

5. Is it true that your son, Jack, said of Senator Kerry, "Daddy, please don't make me play with that weird old guy anymore"?

6. On the night Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon, which pajamas were you wearing, the ones with the cowboys or the ones with the ducks?

7. What's your secret to remaining fully conscious when Senator Kerry is speaking?

8. What's Malibu Barbie really like?

9. If, as you say, there are two Americas, which one is your vacation home in?

10. Do you have any idea how late it is? This is a school night.

Huh!?

Hopefully, we won't be facing this same question from Ashwini in another 4-5 years.

Two hands

This joke is very crude but funny. Consider yourself warned before you click on this following link...

Why do women and men have two hands?

   
Thanks, Mayuresh!

Lookout! Deer in the HOV lane

SAN FRANCISCO / Deer crosses Golden Gate Bridge / It's a first! Animal dashes from Marin side through S.F. toll plaza

A deer joined the morning commute into San Francisco on Tuesday, bounding onto the Golden Gate Bridge and loping across the entire span as bridge officials and motorists watched in amazement.

It was the first time anybody can remember that a deer, or any other animal, for that matter, has made it from one side of the famous bridge to the other in one piece.

The bridge authorities had to stop the traffic and escort the deer across the bridge. They reported that it galloped the 1.7 mile span in less than 10 minutes and was following the speed limit. It zipped through the electronic payment lane at the toll gates without paying for the use of the bridge.

Sadly, there are no deer on the south side of the Golden Gate bridge and it will have to live a solitary life on some nearby golf course. The National Park Services will try to capture the deer and return it to Marin County to avoid this solitary confinement. The only way back to the north side other than the bridge is a mile-long swim in the bay, which would be impossible for the deer or anyone for that matter as the water is usually very cold.

Are people really this stupid?

Read this really funny post on Shanti's blog:

I am serious! Look at some of the comments posted to this blog entry - Dancing with Dogs: Indian cricket finally getting some. How on earth do people think they can contact Yuvraj Singh via this entry, I have no idea. Why do they think I am somehow affiliated to him from this? Are there people really this dumb in the gene pool?

New outsourcing opportunities

Can you guess when the ice melts?

West Danville, VT is gearing up for its 80 year annual tradition of betting on the exact date and time (hour and minute) when a local pond called "Joe's Pond" will thaw. They have an electric clock rigged up with a mechanical device that sinks when the ice melts to record the exact time of the thaw. Usually, the pond thaws between April 15th and May 15th. Last year, it was April 28th, 9:54 am.

Anyone can bet $1. The winner of the bet gets half the total money collected and the rest is used for 4th of July fireworks in town. Last year, they collected about $5000.

Check it out if you wish to bet.

Valentines

Some really nice valentines copied from Charukeshi's blog.

Anti-Valentine

This year, ask some one to be your anti-valentine. If you are sick and tired of this Hallmark occasion, show it with style. Send an anti-valentine from this website. They have several designs, but I liked this one the best.

Little Green Men

Yahoo! News - NASA Unable to Communicate with Mars Rover

Spirit project manager Pete Theisinger told a news briefing that there was a "very serious anomaly" in communications with the six-wheeled craft...

Maybe, it found something/someone that broke it. Did the last transmission show any little green men? I know its not a laughing matter, but couldn't resist.

"There is not one single fault that explains this," Theisinger said, adding that mission scientists had worked throughout the night on scenarios ranging from a major power failure to a software or memory corruption.

I hope it is not running Windows.

he he he!

I realise that this is very juvenile, but, can't resist posting it. Found these perfect acronyms on the internet somewhere...

Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers

Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

The Meatrix

Check the Meatrix out. It is cool.

Thanks Mayuresh!

Ha Ha

Barbara Walters interviews Martha Stewart on 20/20 on ABC. Maybe, they should rename this special as 'Witches of New York'.

They Misunderestimated Me!

This calendar will make a great christmas gift. Here are a couple of interesting quotes from it...

- I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully. 9/29/2000 during presidential campaign - Hydrogen power will dramatically reduce greenhouse gas admissions. 2/6/2003 speaking on energy independence - Matter of fact, there haven't been a morning that haven't gone by that I haven't saw--seen--or read threat.. 11/12/2002 remarks at DC Police operations center.

Thank God for W. He makes me feel good about my english.